It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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