god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
