i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
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My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
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Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
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