I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
