once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
