I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
