Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
