Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
