my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
