Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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