I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
