Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
