He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
