I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
