My hand turned me down
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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