and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
