i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
