He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
