My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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