Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
