There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
