so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize