I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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