A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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