Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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