Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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