Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
