She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
