good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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