remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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