Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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