You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
