i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
