That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
