I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
