Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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