I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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