my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
