I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
