It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
