remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
