We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
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