Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
