I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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