I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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