they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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