I accidentally had phone sex last night
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
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I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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