Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
