how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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