The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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