So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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