Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
