She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?