my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
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She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
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Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room