He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me