What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
