Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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