How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
